UnShaded Revelations

At the end of every year, I take time to reflect on the year’s wins, losses, lessons, etc. I’m starting a little earlier than usual. (Blame The Best Man: the Final Chapters…lol)

I’ve struggled with rejection most of my life. So much so, that it has often kept me from taking risks or stepping out on faith; I was so afraid of potential outcomes. I, even, struggled with true vulnerability. 

Naturally, my circle is small. I rarely let anyone get close for fear of them walking away or if, by chance, I allow one to get close I have a hard time relinquishing ties once the relationship turns toxic. 

The last two years have allowed me to explore the origin of my heightened fear of rejection, discover my “unhealthy” defense mechanisms, and develop healthy coping strategies/responses when triggered. I learned that, most times, rejection or perceived rejection, doesn’t have a lot to do with you but more about the person doing the “rejecting”. 

With that said, at the top of the year, I decided to follow my heart, be a tad less guarded and allow myself space to be vulnerable with others. While this brought about some major differences in how I approached and viewed relationships, I seemed to forget that not everyone deserves my intimacy, vulnerability, or me (and I’m not just speaking of romantic relationships either). I jumped head first into being transparent and vulnerable. To be candid, there were two relationships, but I’ll only focus on one here, that turned toxic quickly that I struggled with walking away from. I tend to “accept” people where they are and extend grace, but often to my own detriment. This relationship was rife with unprovoked lies, inconsistencies, and hurt, but because I choose to see the good, I stayed. (My discernment has always been on point, now whether I heeded what I knew/saw is a completely different story). 

**This post isn’t a knock to anyone; we all have struggles/traumas and our actions are often a product of them. I love them deeply; however, this post is specifically about me.**

Here’s what I’ve learned: Everyone can’t handle nor do they deserve your vulnerability, intimacy, or your heart. While my stance in being less guarded and allowing others in wasn’t incorrect, my method needed to be tweaked. In all things you need balance, right? My vulnerability should have been more of a gradual process…as I learned them (and they learned me), gradually open up when they’ve shown me they deserve or can handle that part of me…