UnShaded Revelations

Crazy…I started another blog space, but UR is my first baby, so I had to share this post here…I hope this helps you…like it did me. 

The last two days I’ve woken up in a bad head space with emotions (literally) all over the place; you wouldn’t know unless I told you. Today, I’ve had time to sit and process what I’m feeling and why. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an overly emotional person, so it takes a while for me to process and understand my feelings. Because I know this about myself, I typically don’t engage (in arguments, disagreements, heated discussions, etc) until I’ve processed and figured out my feelings. If I respond in that moment, my true feelings will be masked in an untruth. Basically, what I think it is in that moment, probably isn’t what it is. It is what it is. 

A little backstory…married 2013…had my son 2016…separated in 2016…divorced 2017 and have been single, since then. This journey to healing has taken longer than it should have. Why? Because ya girl is stubborn! I wanted to be mad…I wanted to be angry…I wanted to be the victim. I could dress up the right words and actions, but that tinge of anger would always shine through. It wasn’t until I was honest with myself (and my ex-husband) and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage that I really began my journey to true healing.

As I sat in bed trying to process my thoughts with tears. All of these feelings came up: feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, not feeling wanted, hell if I’m honest…Anger. The problem with these feelings was that I knew they weren’t a true indication of me or what I felt, so I sat a little longer to figure it out . Then, it hit me like a TON of bricks: 

God, literally, tapped me on the shoulder and said “HEY YOU! LET IT GO!” I’ve been praying for God to open various doors – career, relationships (romantic and familial), financial, etc, but I couldn’t figure out why I’m so close, but still so far…hindered. 

A few years ago, in my UnShaded Revelations blog (I may copy this post there, too, cause its still live – http://www.unshadedrevelations.com), I addressed the issue of un-forgiveness, but I addressed it from the standpoint of forgiving others. I discussed the importance of forgiving others and the hindrances a lack of forgiveness may cause, but I didn’t realize those same actions needed to happen with me. I need to let go of the guilt…I need to release the shame…I need to release the hurt…I need to release the anger…(Guilt that my son has to experience a division of households, shame that I couldn’t keep this relationship together…hurt and anger that I allowed myself to deal with certain things – I could go on and on, but you get the point)…While I have healed from him, I haven’t healed from ME (if that makes sense)…

Saw the above quote and it got me together, real quick! When you love someone, it’s easier to forgive them, right? Most times, when friends or family fail us, we forgive and move forward, because we love them and believe in their goodness. Your lack of self-forgiveness is synonymous with how you view yourself! We can be our own worst critics, extremely self-critical! I’m an over thinker, so I can be my own worse enemy, but I’m learning (gradually…lol) to cut myself some slack! I’m human and will make mistakes; that’s what life is about. 

So how do we do this? I’m not an expert, but I know (and have a relationship) with the ONE who is…

I want to leave a couple scriptures God led me to: