UnShaded Revelations

January 1, 2018

Happy New Year!

It’s been almost 10 months since my last entry and as with every entry, so much has transpired.  My divorce was finalized in January 2017, so learning how to manage being the sole/main caregiver to my son, be a working professional, maintain my home, friendships/relationships, and making sure to take care of me has been an adventure. Heck, being single again is an adventure in of itself.  LOL.  Y’all I feel so out of place, like I don’t even know how to recognize when someone is flirting anymore. It has to be painfully obvious for me to even recognize it. I’ll delve into that later with a “Dating after Divorce” post.

The purpose of this entry:

Tonight, well this morning (as it is 5am and I’m wide awake), I laid in bed thinking, as always.  Doing some reflecting and I began to think about my relationships, not just romantic, but all types of relationships one may have, including, but certainly not limited to, professional, friendships, familial, etc. Y’all I feel like I literally thought about every person I consider friend, family, associate, and the value I place on those relationships (and I know quite a few people).  I sat for about an hour and evaluated them. For the most part, of those that came to mind, the value placed on our relationships is mutual.  There were a few that were questionable and a couple that were pretty much non-existent.  I realized in my self-evaluation (yes I took time to look at my actions) there were some connections I needed to fix and it was me with the issue.

So I pondered further about the questionable and non-existent connections.  I assessed the value (or importance) I place on these relationships and discovered it was me keeping the relationship afloat.  I began to feel as though I’m forcing my existence in their lives.

It’s nothing wrong with wanting to be present, but oftentimes, we end up with hurt feelings and upset, because someone consistently shows us where they place us in their lives and we ignore it.  We hope that eventually one day, they’ll see it and return the favor. Now if you do this and it doesn’t bother you, then obviously I’m not talking to you.  But to those of us who get hurt, what we have to realize is we can’t force others to see our value. It is our responsibility to exercise wisdom and guard our hearts.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV. 

When we allow ourselves to continuously be hurt by the consistent actions of others, the hurt becomes self-inflicted. How? You know the action and the outcome, but you continuously put yourself in the same position over and over.

How does one evaluate their relationships? Good question.  Some of the questions I asked myself were:

1. Do you both INVEST time?  When it comes to relationships, no one is going to be 100% on it EVER, but are you the one constantly reaching out or trying to make plans (many times to no avail)?
2. Can you TRUST them? Trust, or the lack thereof, is an issue many of us have. So when it comes to our friends it is important that we be able to trust them completely. Trust is not only keeping secrets, but following through.  Can you trust your friend to follow through with whatever they said they would do?
4.  Do they LISTEN to you? Listening is a major part of all relationships.
5. Is the friendship exhausting (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) or encouraging?

While I understand the need for relationships, it is important to have an accurate view of your relationships and govern yourself accordingly (that may be something as simple as a conversation; whatever action that may be for you).  When we see/understand things for what they are, we can choose our actions, appropriately.

Be Your Best Self in 2018!

– CMJ