UnShaded Revelations

So it’s official. It’s done. I’m no longer married. Divorced. 

How do I feel? Idk…in some way I’m almost numb to it…I have days where I push it so far to the back of my mind that I just don’t (attempt to not) think about it; and others it’s at the forefront of my mind ALL day. 

Have you ever had a relationship (whether romantic or platonic) that you thought would last forever? You felt as though you and this person had gone through hell, so you could make it through anything, because your bond was that tight? And then, regardless of the reason, that relationship (friendship) ended. Now you feel a void.  In my younger years, it was always easy for me to fill the void with someone else (literally and figuratively). I’d find someone else to give my attention to, spend my time with, and allow them to occupy my mind. I might even jump in my car or hop on a plane to get away. 

That’s who I used to be. The much more mature and spiritually attuned Chelsyea is trying to figure out how to heal, have a demanding career, maintain my household by myself and be an awesome mom to my baby boy all at the same time. I’m succeeding with at least 3 of the 4. Idk that I’m really in the process of healing. Idk that I know the steps to actually being healed from divorce. 

My faith in God hasn’t waivered. I just don’t know what the process is for me. It may be different for every person. I keep busy most times and don’t think about it, but I can’t say that I’m healing. I’m in a much better place than I was months ago, but healed, no not completely. 

My ex and I are AWESOME friends; he’s been my BEST friend for the last 5 years, so it’s natural for us to maintain a friendship and necessary for the sake of our son, but I find myself questioning boundaries. Like I receive good news and I’m ready to dial his number to share as I had always done previously or when I’m unsure of how to handle a situation, he’s ALWAYS the first person I think to call, or when I’m upset, he’s there to either calm me or ready to jump stupid with me (he’s a hood preacher…lol). I’m almost concerned that I rely on him for too much. 

It’s very rare that I’m able to relate to reality shows, but tonight was different. I watched RHOA and the girls attempted to throw Cynthia and Phaedra a divorce party. Neither lady was fond of the idea and didn’t want to celebrate their newfound singleness. I could completely understand where they were coming from, as I’m sure many who have gone through divorce could. I don’t want to celebrate being newly single. I don’t want to celebrate the broken home my son is forced to live in. I don’t want to celebrate the breaking up of my family. I don’t want to celebrate this broken…covenant. 

(I understand there are other perspectives, but this is mine; To those who have had divorce parties and the like, to each his own, but that’s definitely not my thing).

Divorce changes your psyche. A (unwanted) divorce can change how you view yourself, your family, those around you, and make you question everything you thought you knew.  OMGoodness the embarrassment; when you run into people who knew “the couple” you and they ask about your ex and having to explain “oh we’re no longer together”…And I know people mean well, but hearing statements like “y’all were one of the couples that gave me hope” doesn’t help. It makes you feel like a failure; like I’ve let every single black woman in America down (an exaggeration, but you get the point…lol). Anyway I digress. 

Divorce hasn’t changed my view on marriage. I believe when it’s done right, God-led and God-centered with willing (& WHOLE people…that’s another discussion for another day) participants ready to do the WORK, it’s beautiful. I pray that, at some point, that Christ-like, God-centered love finds me, but until then…

I promised to take you along with me on this journey and today, this is where I am. Tomorrow I may have a completely different outlook, but THIS is my today. 

I have no choice, but to trust God and the plan He has for my son and I. Jeremiah 29:11

Keep praying for me. I’m walking thru this, but I know I’m not alone. Deuteronomy 31:6 

Lady C.