UnShaded Revelations

Growing up the product of a single-parent home affected me more than I ever realized.  My father and mother were never married (yes, I was born out of wedlock) and my father moved out of the state when I was two years old.  To be blatantly honest,  I have no clue what its like to be raised in a two parent household.  

Before my father left, he laid a foundation, in which, I became known as a “Daddy’s girl.”  Majority of all I did, I did to please him.  Once he left, from the time I can remember, my dad’s calls became sporadic.  He may or may not call or show up for holidays.  In later years, I would find out there were times, he would come to town, but just wouldn’t come see me or call.  By my teenage years, our relationship became rocky at best.  I would always try to find ways to make him proud ENOUGH of me that he would want to stick around. 

“Can you imagine an 8 year-old, 14 year-old, or even a 21 year-old trying to make her dad proud and how disappointed she must feel when it doesn’t work?”

I was never a BAD kid (always had a smart mouth…lol), as some would expect. On the contrary, I did things to at least be accepted by my dad…As a teenager, I was told how my dad never wanted children and that my mom had gotten pregnant on purpose.  True or not; do you see how that would affect an impressionable young mind?  That, along with other things, sparked my need for acceptance, “maybe if I do this he’ll see how great it is to be a parent and he’ll stick around”.  

It wasn’t until adulthood (within the last 3 years) that I realized all of this played a part in my relationships; not just romantic relationships, but familial and friendships. Fast forward to adulthood: I have or have had this insatiable need to be understood.  The problem is we live in a, for lack of a better word, mean society. “If you don’t look like me, act like me, dress like me…I don’t like you; If you have something I want or would like…I don’t like you”

When I married my husband, I had to leave my church and join his…Y’ALL don’t know nor understand how apprehensive I was about it…just nervous.  

Here goes starting over again; I was aware that a few of the members didn’t like me (whether it was because of what they had been told or if they were being protective of their Pastor, IDK…well, I do but I won’t address that here…lol…maybe in a later blog…).  The part that bothered me the most was they didn’t know me and I hadn’t been given a chance.  {{I promise I’m going somewhere with this, keep reading}}.

I found myself crying to my husband about the constant REJECTION or the whispers behind my back (yes I heard them all).  It felt like that 13 year-old girl trying to please her daddy, again, to no avail.  I felt like that would be my constant lot and/or fight in life…REJECTION and not being ACCEPTED. In reality, I hadn’t done anything to either party, but that was the hand I was dealt. 

 So how do you deal with it? How do you confront the feeling of rejection and not being accepted?